So you're trying to figure me out?

I am a divorced pansexual queer femme trauma survivor.

I am a smart successful sensitive spiritual progressive Jew.
I am a caring compassionate anti-racist White feminist.

I am layers of nightmare and daydream and full, raw presence.

I am hope and hurt and growth.

I am sweet caresses and confusion.

I am too much.

I am not enough.

I am busy.

I am deeply connected and loving and open.

I am alone and coping and yearning.

I am vulnerable.

I am incredibly strong.
I am not here to play games.

“You’ve done everything right up to this point"

The most dominant image I have is me sitting on my couch staring at the ceiling. But really I was luckier than that – it was a beautiful fall, and I spent a lot of time lying in the grass soaking in the sun. In the park down the street… on the field across from the gym… on the hill by my office… resting my concussed brain, trying to cope.

I was coping not only with the concussion, but also with the effect of the concussion on my basic emotion regulation abilities. It was like there’d been a buffer zone around my feelings that had dissolved, dissipated. Hard feelings turned to panic much more easily, with a dangerous intensity. And panicking could only make things worse: spiking my heart rate, sending me down a steep dark spiral, and only aggravating the injury further.

So I had to ground myself. I had to. Feeling the grass underneath each limb, waves of guilt and shame and fear threatening to flood my system for uninterrupted hours in which I was supposed to be recuperating so I could get back to the very limited amount of work time my brain could take. Fear, shame, guilt. Fear, shame, guilt. Regret.

I have done everything right up to this point.

That’s how I would anchor myself.

I am alive, loved, and enrolled (as in, enrolled in grad school, even if I didn’t know when or how I would be able to finish). I have done everything right up to this point.

I would focus on those words, repeating them over and over and over again, for weeks and weeks.

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Of course, it wasn’t true. I mean, it was true that I was alive, loved, and enrolled. But it wasn’t true that I’d done everything right. How could it be? That’s not a thing.

I said it to myself so much that it became a habit – telling myself I’d done everything right because at least I’d gotten to that point, still in the game, with people in my corner. But those good things can be true even if I haven’t done everything right. And I haven’t. I didn’t do everything right in concussion recovery; I didn’t do everything right in grad school (shh don’t tell!); and I certainly haven’t done everything right by the people who have so valiantly loved me.

Sometimes I’ve messed up and hurt only myself. Sometimes I’ve messed up and really hurt people I care about. Sometimes I’ve messed up in ways that hurt marginalized folks around me and perpetuate the very systems of oppression I’m committed to dismantling.

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I want to hold these truths. I need a way to be here and to feel them and then to do the repair I can do in/for myself, in/for my relationships, and in/for my communities. Can I tolerate the reality that I have not done everything right, without getting stuck in spirals of regret or shame or self-flagellation?

The first step is feeling the feelings. And then comes speaking back, but not to negate or deny what I’m upset about having done. Not to claim rightness or say it’s okay when it’s not. What can I say instead to speak directly to/with those feelings? I’m gonna play with some ideas here, and I’d love to hear feedback and reflections from you, too!

To regret, I could say: This is how things have happened. I did what I could at the time. This is the only way it’s happened, and this is what I get to live with now.

To shame, I could say: I care about my impact. I want to understand and address the impact I’ve had. Having a negative impact doesn’t negate everything about me. Everything else is still true, too, and I can be complicated.

To self-flagellation, I could say:Actually what I need is the opposite. What I need is self-care. To do better in the world, I need to do better for myself. The more okay I am, more aware of my own feelings and holding more of my own stuff, the more responsibly I’ll behave towards other people and the more I’ll be able to do for/with other people.

Perhaps these thoughts can help me ground myself in the presentand future, and engage with the pain and complexity of the past. By paying attention instead of turning away, maybe I will find an opportunity to do repair work, and maybe I can expand my capacity to do differently next time.

---

I am alive, loved, and employed. I’ve done a lot right up to this point. But not everything. I’ve messed up in some significant ways.

I did the best I could. I care about my impact. The more I take care of myself, the more I’ll be able to address what I can of what I’ve done, and to do better moving forward.

I hope?

Hopes and Dreams for 2016

1. Stop saying I “just” moved to NYC
2. Cook – like, roasted vegetables and soups
3. More reading and writing
4. More music and dance and prayer and poetry
5. Host another dinner party
6. Go back to not checking email and Facebook on Saturdays
7. Read/listen/talk more about the impact of white supremacy and structural racism on the work I do and how I do it
8. Read/listen/talk more about the impact of gentrification and what it means for me to be living where I live
9. Further systematize my financial contributions to bolster the work of the people most impacted by local and global systems of oppression
10. Stop getting annoyed when people send me vague text messages… avoid over-interpreting
11. Open my heart to other humans
12. Feel as much as possible

Escort İstanbul

Kız arkadaşımdan ayrıldığım bir gün bunalımdayken escort bayanlar ile görüşmeye karar verdim ve arama motorlarının yardımı ile eskort ilan sitelerine ulaştım birbirinden tatlı ve farklı eskort kızlarını gördüğümde başta seçim yapmakta çok zorlandım ancak içlerinden bir kaç tanesini beğendim ve iletişim numaralarından aradım.
İstanbulda oturduğum için aramalarımı istanbul escort üzerinde yoğunlaştırdım şanslıydım ki bir çok eskort bayan gördüm ve istediğim özelliklere çok yakın bir es kız ile tanıştım tabi çok eskort deneyimim olmadığı için başta utanıp sıkıldım ama ten teması güleryüz ve muhteşem güzellik karşısında bende zamanla döktürdüm.

İstanbul escort bayan ilgisi ve merağı olupta bu zamana kadar hiç bir eskort kız ile yakınlaşmamış olan beylere tavsiyem korkulacak bişey yok hayat escort kızlar ile güzel olacaktır.

İstanbul Escort Kızlar

Escort kızların en büyük özellikleri hemen hemen hepsinin cana yakın ve güzel olmalarıdır bir eskort bayan ile çok keyif dolu anlar yaşayabilir onunla birlikte güzel şeyler paylaşabilirsiniz, escort kızlar genelde 21-30 yaş arası bayanlardır.

Türkiye'nin nüfusu bakımından en kalabalık şehiri olan İstanbulda pek çok escort bayan bulunmaktadır, bu escort bayanlar ile görüşmek ve tanışmak oldukça kolay ve keyif veren bişeydir.


İstanbulda tabiki pek çok ilçe bulunmaktadır, o yüzden escort aramalarınızı ilçe bazlı çok daha rahat yapabilirsiniz örnek olarak acıbadem escort araması yaparsanız direk acıbadem eskort kızları ile tanışırsınız.

Bunun yanı sıra yabancı escort arayışlarınızdada sihirli kelimeleri kullanacabilirsiniz gene bir örnekle süslemek gerekirse istanbul rus escort yazarak en güzel rus eskort bayanlara ulaşabilirsiniz.
Bunun gibi pek çok örnek verebiliriz.

Having Feelings in Public (& Other Themes of 2015)

I didn’t mean to alarm people with my Facebook statuses; I just wanted to share. But perhaps there’s something in the genre of Facebook status writing (and Instagram selfies, apparently) that is not well-suited to the kind of self-expression I’m trying to achieve. I try to invite you into these thoughts and feelings that I’m having, but in a brief status – that you’re reading while scrolling – I can’t show you the whole thing. I can’t show you what it means to me and how I’m holding the experience. Moving to New York has been daunting and exhausting and downright lonely, for sure. But I’m okay with those feelings. I’m having the feelings, but I’m okay. It was going to be hard. Things can be generally good (new job! new friends!) but not always easy. There’s complexity in change and loss and risk. And also, it has been exhilarating and inspiring to experience this city, to connect with people, and to navigate the job that brought me here in the first place.

Meanwhile the world is crumblingand crashing in on itself more and more each month. And I’m engaging with that in new ways, too, as I delve into the world of HIV-prevention with LGBT youth, particularly trying to make the work we’re doing inclusiveand affirmingfor young people who are transgender or gender nonconforming. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my role in all that, and what it means for me to be me while doing that work. And I’ve also been yearning for ways to re-engage in other kinds of work I’ve done in the past: sex education, curriculum development, sexual assault prevention, with public schools and college campuses and youth development programs. And blogging! So at least I’m getting back into that – hoping that this makes more sense than a few lines on Facebook.

If 2014 was the year in which my life tore apart at the seams, then 2015 was the year in which I started weaving it back together. I’m weaving something newly livable, something softly familiar yet utterly surprising, at times terrifying and at times glowing with beauty, something to hold onto within an overwhelming whirlwind of opportunity and pain and possibility. In taking the risk of being more connected to my own truths, I’m finding more and more access to authenticity, and I’m finding within that authenticity a kind of vulnerabilitythat feels both scary and strong, and that allows for real closeness with people who care. I’m discovering that people care about me as deeply as I care about them. I deeply, passionately care about them (you). And I can act on those feelings, although there’s riskin that, too. I’m becoming more attuned to the differences between danger and risk, between terror and courage. I’m becoming more attuned to my own needs, including my need for joy. Past numbnessis now thawing. I’m trying to weave something that will keep me warm, so I can keep sharing warmth with the world.

In 2015:

·      I defended my dissertation and got my PhD. 

·      I packed up the apartment I’d lived in for five years.

·      I started my post-doc. 

·      I found and set up a new apartment in Harlem. 

·      I turned 30, and I went alone to an awesome Pride dance party in Brooklyn. 

·      I made an OKCupid profile (and used it). 

·      I analyzed data, conducted focus groups and interviews, wrote papers, and planned for grants I want to write. 

·      I nourished new friendships, exploring new ways of connecting and showing up for each other. 

·      I reshaped existing friendships, adjusting to so many changes to find ways to continue to show up and be close.

·      I made time for my own thawing and reflecting, nourishing myself and finding out that I can really show up for myself, too.

One thing I learned this year, especially this fall, is that I cannot repair the world in isolation. My self care and my connection with community are what allow me to invest in my work as an activist, to build relationships that will facilitate and propel change in my own life and in the systems in which I work. I can't do it alone. I can barely do anything alone. Isolation is the opposite of social justice. We need each other, to build together the world we need, the world as we want it to be. We need each other radically and holistically, not just for call-outsand accountability, but for hope and healing and joy and wonder. We need each other so we can hold complexity together and make space for all that we're feeling. This is hard to do in a big city where it takes a lot of effort and coordination to just physically put ourselves in the same place. But it's something I'm really committed to. Showing up, to talkand feeland singand dance. To careand question. So hard but so needed. 

I will keep seeking community, I will keep hosting events at my place, and I will even keep going to Brooklyn to see what people are building there. Let me know your other ideas, hopes, dreams, visions, suggestions, etc. I’m in it with you!

You. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my village this year. Family of origin and family of choice. Best friends, old friends, new friends, people who weren’t yet my friends but welcomed me with warmth anyway. You are the reason I can do anything, you are the reason I could write my dissertation and finish school and get a job and move to New York. You are the reason I could start a new job and take on new projects and set up a new life. You are the reason I have hope for myself, and you are the reason I have hope for the world.

Sending you warmth this winter, with so much hope and so many wishes for care and love and justice in the coming year.

İstanbul Escort Bayan

Hayattan sıkıldığım anlarda bile aklıma gelen tek şey İstanbul escort bayan olmuştu. Senelerdir bende o kadar bağımlılık yaptı ki bazen eve gitmeyi bile unutuyordum. Elit bir beyefendi olmanın faydaları arasında diyebilirim. 

Bir VİP İstanbul esc ile görüşecekseniz herhangi bir sorun çıkmıyor zaten. Zaten kendileri de elit beyefendilerden yana çok memnunlardır eminim. 

Yani karizmatik ve çekici elit bir beyefendiyseniz manken gibi hatunu kapıp otele götürebiliyorsunuz veya eve. Bunu uzun zamandır arkadaşlarımla grup halinde planlayıp yapıyorduk ancak onlar evlendikten sonra Rus manitaların hepsi bana kaldı diyebilirim.

 Uzun bacakları ve dolgun kalçaları çok seven biri olarak İstanbul escort sitesi benim için en iyi tercih diyebilirim. Buluştuğum bayanlara karşı güven konusunda o kadar rahatım ki onlara dün ne yediğimden tutun eski sevgililerime kadar anlatabiliyorum. 

Tabi ki gizlilik onlar için her şey. İster masaj yaptır istersen sadece otur seyret. Masör İstanbul escort partnerler ile bir gece için Masör İstanbul escort bayanları tavsiye edebilirim ama daha önce böyle rahatlama şekli görmedim ben.